How do you know what you want?

For many people, it’s intuitive
At least they’ll tell you it is
And probably most of the time, they’re right
But sometimes, I feel like it’s an assumption

This becomes much more apparent for people
Who have lost their ability to judge what they want
Or at least they find it increasingly hard
Because of their experiences, past or present

The problem is that we don’t make our choices in isolation
We don’t have unlimited capabilities
We cannot do whatever we want

So when you choose what you want, you have to filter
You have to select, narrow down
Make your choice fit your situation, your circumstances

So maybe ideally, you’d want to go for a walk
But it’s raining outside and you don’t want to get wet
So you watch a movie

Ideally, you’d prefer to stay at home and read a book
But it’s your mothers birthday and you don’t want to disappoint her
So you go and visit

Ideally, you’d prefer to wear colourful outfits
But you’re going to work and people expect you do dress professionally
So you put on a shirt and wear a tie

Ideally, you’d walk hand in hand with your male partner
But you’re a man yourself and people will stare or say things
So the two of you pretend you’re friends when you’re outdoors

Ideally, you’d take a rest after a long workday
But your boyfriend is hungry and says you don’t love him, if you don’t take care of him
So you cook dinner

Ideally, you’d enjoy life
But your days are filled with pain and you’ve tried everything you can think to do
So you end your life



When do you want something, because it suits you?
And when do you want something, because it’s the option that’s the least bad?
When are you doing something because you want to do it, for others?
And when are you doing something because you feel forced to, by others?

When we see others do something
We often assume that’s because they wanted to
Other times, we completely understand why someone doens’t pick their ideal choice
No one will have a problem with you staying inside if it’s raining
No one will judge you for what you did, when you were held at gunpoint

But for some choices, some people will judge you
They feel like there was a better choice
But perhaps they don’t value things the same way that you do

For other choices, some people will judge you
They don’t, they can’t, understand what makes you do what you do
Because, lucky for them, they haven’t experienced the same horrible experiences

It’s insidious, if you’re not aware of it
You start to conflate the options that you’re forced to want
With the options that you’d choose if you could have whatever you wanted

You start to lose your sense of self
Start to think that you are damaged
For wanting things, no one should want

It’s crucial to recognize this, I think
It helps to create compassion for yourself
To understand why you make the choices you make

You can start to separate what the outside world wants
Both from you, and for you
From what you might choose, if there were no limitations

And with practice
Over time
Hopefully

You get to figure out again

What you want